Funny Life Quotes

Funny life quotes have gotten me through many a tough day. The wit and wisdom of people like Woody Allen, Kurt Vonnegut, and Will Rogers lighten the burden sometimes when life seems hard to understand. Here on this page, I share some of my favorite humorous quotations about the life we live.

Short Funny Life Quotes

If you're impatient, you might not want to read long quotations. These short funny life quotes are for you. Enjoy.

"Eighty percent of success is showing up." -Woody Allen

"Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable." -Woody Allen

"A good conscience is a continual Christmas." -Benjamin Franklin

"If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind." -Kurt Vonnegut

"We should live our lives as though Christ were coming this afternoon." -Jimmy Carter

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils." -Louis Hector Berlioz

"Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing - Gary Coleman is going to drown." - Conan O'Brien

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke." -Groucho Marx

"My doctor tells me I should start slowing it down. But there's more old drunks than there are old doctors so let's all have another round." -Willie Nelson

Funny Famous Life Quotes

Not all of these quotes are famous, but the ones that aren't famous are from famous personalities. I'm guilty of enjoying Frank Sinatra quotes a little bit too much probably.

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying." -Woody Allen

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else." - Woody Allen

"Chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken." -Warren Buffett

"Tell the truth. Sing with passion. Work with laughter. Love with heart. 'Cause that's all that matters in the end." -Kris Kristofferson

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." -Frank Sinatra

"You gotta love livin', baby, 'cause dyin' is a pain in the ass." -Frank Sinatra

"I would like to be remembered as a man who had a wonderful time living life, a man who had good friends, fine family - and I don't think I could ask for anything more than that, actually." -Frank Sinatra

Funny and Inspirational Life Quotes

Sometimes you want to laugh and be inspired at the same time. You probably like to read Erma Bombeck and watch Bill Cosby. These quotes are for you.

"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it." -Bill Cosby

"Life happens too fast for you ever to think about it. If you could just persuade people of this, but they insist on amassing information." -Kurt Vonnegut

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." -Bill Cosby

"All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them." -Erma Bombeck

People who enjoy this site might also enjoy the following sites and pages: